


A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad World Conference

by liet_erally



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Crack, Gen, Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-08 05:01:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13451088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liet_erally/pseuds/liet_erally
Summary: A crack fic parodying every single bad hetalia fanfiction out there.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.

One day there was a meeting because that’s the only way other countries can see each other. It’s not like they can travel or even call the other, psssshhh what’s that?

Swiss cheese was in the corner, caressing his hot metal gun while blushing. Loockenstin looked at him with her big bug eyes and asked him for something in a written accent because author-chan wants to be annoying.

“I hate Austria. Look at that asshole acting like he owns the place. He’s throwing a paper away? This isn’t your house, bitch.” He screamed. Nobody heard him somehow. Not even Frankenstein, who was practically clinging on to him like a weird koala.

In the other corner, Prussia was running around hollering sweet tunes. “I AM AWESME I MA ASWJFAMSN SUCK MY SASDAJA-“ he got his by Hungary who is an awesome independent power woman who need no man even though she was married to Austria for a long time. Gillbird proceeded to peck her eyeballs out while Spain and France watched in concern because Bad Touch Trio.

England walked up to America and slapped him for no reason at all. Then he walked away, came back and gave him a paper written in pink glitter pen saying ‘Baka! I wanna marry you even though I raised you but MMMM THIRSTY FANGIRLS SAY WE DISOWNED EACH OTHER.’ England walked back to his lame group of punk emo goths while saying words in a foreign language he shouldn’t know.

Then Denmark came out of nowhere and Norway brutally murdered him with a bow and arrow as if it was the Hunger Games.

Romania disappeared into non-existence because who cares about that loser lmao

“Aru aru buy aru aru aru my aru medicine aru aru my family aru is starving aru.” Said China. Whoops, author-chan almost forgot to include China because she’s boring.

“Hi I am stalk.” Said Russia, patting China’s head. He slowly pulled out the rotten corpse of Estonia to eat - that was his lunch, don’t judge! 

All the forgotten countries looked at everybody else in dismay. Then kawaii Iggy-senpai-kun and his awesome popular gang tore their throats out because they’re unimportant. Rest in piece BullGary, Check, Slovenia, Ice Cuba, Mamaliga, LuxoriousIceberg and everyone else.

“S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-somebody h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-help m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-me p-p-p-p-p-p-please.” Canada acted as if he was a snake that hissed out the first letter of every word. Silly Canada and his suicidal thoughts!

“DOITSU DOITSU DOITSU-“ Italy-san jumped up and down while annoying Germany who looked on the verge of tears. But he won’t cry. Because he’s a manly man who trains dogs to kill everyone and constantly does the DoitsuGram pacer test.

“HASTA LA PASTA and also I WANT TO LICK YOUR ASS AND SHOVE YOU DOWN MY THROAT SPAIN EVEN THOUGH I’M SUPPOSED TO FULLY HATE YOU.” Romano threw Italy outside the window and pointed his middle finger at Doitsu. Dishonor on his cow.

Speaking of cows, Ukraine walked in and blinded everyone with her floppy tennis balls.

Seychelles and Belgium were being burnt at the stake for being filthy witches who stole thirsty 11-year-old’s husbandos.

“S’ck ’n m’ sw’ggl’y d’ck F’nf’n.” Ikea licked his lips while watching females burn.

“BIG BRUDER! YOU ARE VERY BIG AND I WANT TO LOVE YOU BE MINE I AM A HOT YANDERE WAIFU EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NEVER KILLED ANYBODY AT ALL-“ Belarus was murdered by author-chan because all she does is want to love Russia. Otherwise, she has 0% plot convenience- I mean personality.

“Money money money hairgel.” ‘Holland’ said. He threw money out to everybody and didn’t care about the fact his sister was being served as a kebob by turkeys.

Sealand watched everything from outside.

“Help.” He whispered. He was so desperate, and wanted to see everything unfold. He was feeling a burning passion in his chest.

“-me become a country so I can do this too.”


	2. when ur sheeps get tugether

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to add another chapter to this. Why? I dunno.
> 
> I'm lazy and have nothing else to do. My fingers are dead and I'm blank on ideas. Let bad spelling and weird crack fix it all. I really wanted to do proper grammar for this but I just gave up midway so...whoops.

"BAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKSBDANMBSKQAWEHUQJW" UK shrieked at the top of his lungs and btichslapped murica in the shins because TSUNDERES ARE TOTALLY NOT OVERUSED

"rofl ur so cute but i have to be dominant for some reason" murica btichslapped iggy-san back to prove he was the alpha male

"kay so everyones ded like me" said prussia to geramny "lets go on a date to celebrate"

"wtf ur my brother but k" gerwomany grabbed prussia in his HOT BULKY SMEXY THICC arms and they went to a gym because germntu has no chill whatsoever and has to be on the doitsugram pacer test 25/8

"hey bitch marry me" romano said and blushed as red as a tomato 

this maid spoon think he was an actual tomato so he came up and licked romano's tongue VERY PASSIOMATELY 

"mmm yessssss" he moaned

"hey do u see these cats" greece pointed outside the window of the meeting because AGAIN THERES NO OTHER WAY FOR NATIONS TO MEET

"yee" japan answered 

"we should be those cats"

"wtf m8 theyre jerkin off to each other"

"exactly"

"cool"

on the other side of the room hungary was screaming for salvation so she wouldnt be burned alive to be gay dinner

"ok u can stay alive but you have to have two other side-chick-men shipped with you" god spoke to her again

"thats fine" hungary said

"and you hate them both and one of them hates you back" god, also known as himapapa, said

"????" hungary said

"u can have the gypsy and the religious kid"

"what about ostrich"

"lol who cares about canon couples" himapapa pointed at the mangled corpses of check and slovenia. their eyeballs were taken out and served as meatballs by italia boi

"oh"

"HEY LOSER GET IN MY CAR WERE GOIG SHOPPING FOR DRESSESS BECAUXE IM BERY GAY NOW APPARENTLU" poland screamed

"Please don't. I am very sad. But also very happy. Oh whoops, my emotions are flying away just like the fucks I give about you, Poland. Wait, I'm supposed to always be the uke in every ship? Dang it. Okay, Poland, let me follow you around and lick your ass and be fully submissive because I am emotionless and unable to be properly written." lothonia suddenly smiled. he smiled very ewide. legend says hes still smiling two this day

"HEY LITTLE CHILD" BELLBUS SLAPPED EVERYONE ASIDE AND GRABBED LADHGSJMSTEIN. SHE CARRIED HER IN HER ARMS AND RAISED HER ABOVE HER HEAD "EVEN THOUGH IM SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD AND ALSO LOVE MY BRUDER I THINK IM GOING TO COME AGAIN"

"wrong fandom" lhfwhfguywajfstein said

"too bad lol"

FRANCE STOOD OUTSIDE AND LOOKED AT A DEAD RAT THAT WAS BEING EATEN ALIVE BY AN EAGLE. HE CRYED BECAUSE IT REMINDED HIM OF HIS DEAD GIRLFRIEND SOMEHOW

"sorry boi i love himapapa more" and bam the woman was wagone

it made hym said

"HEY SEALAND WANNA BANG" LATVIA SCREECHED

"NO I LIKE LANOODLE MORE" SEABITCH WHINED BACK

"WERE PRETTY MUCH BROTHERS THO BUT EHO CARES ABOUT INCEST IN DIS FABDOM" LADONIA LOOKED AT SEACUNT "BUT I LOVE KUNGLEJUNGLEMUNGLE MORE SORRY LOL"

SEAGULL CRYED

"OK DEN IF U NO LOVE ME I WILL SMESH MY VODEKA" LATVIA CRYED TOO

"ME TOO" ROOSIA STEPPED AWAY FROM CHEENASS DEAD BODY AND STUFFED THE HEAD IN HUS JACKET

"OK LETS DRINK VODKA TO DROWN AWAY OUR PAIN" LATOVIA SMILED EVEN THO HE WAS SOOPUSED TO HAT ROOZZIA

"H'' F'NL'ND W'NN' SM'SH" SWEEDEN KICKED THE DOOR DOWN EVEN THOUGH HE WAS ALREADY IN THE ROOM

"YES LET ME BE A PATHETIC MOE BLOB WHO CANNOT TO ANYTHING" NOKIAMAN DID FINGER GUNS AND LOL HES SUDDENLY AS TALL AS SUSAN SO HE MANAGED TO LICK THAT HOT IKEA MEATBALL FACE

"DOITSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU DITCH YOUR BROTHER AND COME SUCK ON MY ASS" ITALY WHINED

"OK ITA LET ME GET OUT MY BEST WURST"

"MMMMMMMMM" GRAINED PASTA BOI

SO EVERYBODY WENT ON A DATE EXCEPT FOR CHECKA AND SLOOVEN AND ROOMA WAS FORCED TO BE IN A TREESOME WITH RAT-ALBINO-MAN AND HUNGRY SO BOOGAIR CRYED AND JOINED THE VIDKA PARTY

BUT LE GASP

DA 2PS CAME OUT (HAH)

O NO WAT WE GON DOO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont know anymore


	3. the toupees!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its da toupees! dark n eggy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im writing this instead of studying for a biology exam.
> 
> :)))))))

allion kikked the door opin

'gimmie ur mony or ill force u to hornhorn my baseball bat' he screeched

'but it has nails on it for no reason. itll hurt to hornhorn on the bat' a random person shouted out

'shut up seagull' england stabbed him in the neck and WOOSH his blood sprayed in fake then gypsy came and likked it oop

at that moment a guy with PURE ORANGE RADIOACTIVE HEIR came out. lol jk everyone heres gay so its not a surprise that he cum out

'SUCC MY FOOKIN CUPCAKES SO HARD THEY MAKE YOU ORGANISM' he said sweetly

'no' hnngland sadded.

'but im a kawaii female' olive tree sadded too

'ur man u have bepis' arthur the aardvark sadded harder

'HEY BUTCHERS' said toupee frank, probably smokin a crack

'get out of my house.' sid merca because ALL THE MEETINGS HAPPEN AT HIS PLACE

than viktor nikiforov jumped in. he just had a sezrue and ded because wrong fandom. the real vikky-chan just brutally murdered the corpse of normal estcornia and walked out

'hey that was my dinner' eye van cryed after him. he had only gotten to ear thr ;eft arm and succ a littel on da bepis!

':(' said latvia. 'i thought vodka was good enough. was you lie?" 

'yes i was lie' eye van slapped the child so he hit the ground with a sultry gasp. 'u r my fav vodka'

'becky lemme smash' riley gelatin moaned because who cares if hes out of character he needs to fuk the putin man

anyways back to the trumpy toupees

'i am xray' said twoop kina. cheena den carratee shopped him up.

'i is door matt because the dandom is #kreative with names'

'can i beat u wit me hokky stick' matthiw kindly smiled.

'no bcus i am abused and i smoke and i hve 2 be eggy so i sound like a bad self-nsert oc on devan ert!!!!!111!!!1!1!'

matooh jsut threw him out the window and said 'whoops, eh?'

'hi i am prada and i have log hair for sum reson!' a weird white due stood dere

'wtf r u u r not AWESUMMMMEMWJ,HAWBAEHJmgq`auj' proosa clapped so hard the white man had a sezur

they locked at eech ooder until toupee lieOQKJMADBJNABVqhjegFDTRGFBstein threw him out the window

'hey thag was my line' macho sed

'did u hear dat wind' toupee lieajmhsfdjsnmvsnstien askd

'HEY BITCHES I AM A FUCKING FABULOUS BITCH EVEN THOUGH THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE AT ALL NOW EVERYONE WORSHIPS ME GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES OR HAVE S SHIELD READY'

the oosless moe caricatures stood baffled at the blondd deevil satin dude that was called bny fangirls as a xheeto

'that is me?' romano asked, growled and hissed like a cat.

'Hi, we all suck and cannot do anything. Do you want to make a team to bring down the player twos?" lietuva asked.

'sure' moomin man asked even if it wasnt a question.

'okay so whos on da ussless tim?' spoon asked because they can onlee ask now.

'me' bulgay rose up from the ded. and asked.

'sam' rootmina asked

'me too' monkia asked

'meghan trainor' hong dong asked

'yee' ostrich got out his violin and asked too.

'Mhm.' doorway joined in

'lets go wild' portseagull opened his mouth to release vibrations that create sounds that demand an answer or something. in other words, he asked. 

lietcinia put his hands on his hips like a sassy woman and gravely nodded.

'lets go! nixt chapter, we wil finale this once and for al!'

'do this for al!' moniko clapped poshly

'whos al?' ostrich questioned. no more asking.

'al-fedora. amurica' spoon repsond.

'not for merca' cab slapped spun

'I think you meant all." doorgay slowly said.

'Finally, another person who speaks normally." LITuania sighed in releaf.

'Yes." norge nodded gravely.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you pick up how much I TOTALLY ADORE AND LOVE AND WORSHIP 2p? 
> 
> *cough*


	4. invading le privet regains of da toupees!!!!111!!!!11!1!!1!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lass shapter!!!11!1!!! da padedic charictarts now beetle the eggy toupees!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: this is more rubbish than the past chapters which is hard to beat.

'Okay so we have to kill 'Flavio' first." litituania smacked his hands together in a juicy way

'wai him?/?/??/???????/' spoon gaspeed

"Because the fandom worships him. Next is the depressed emo that's that one guy's brother, and finally Edgy-England." lethivania smacked his hands again in an even smackier way

'oh k' spleen _**smild**   **a lot**_  bcuz he so innocunt! even though he has sum of da bludiest histuuri in all of amster-damned europe-

'so how do we beet em up?' bulgayria asked (once again)

'jACKIE CHANQ!!!!21@!225t12354t1r2!@1@!!1!!' hing thing screamed in a respectable manner

'ok less call jerky chin up' esto-nya rose from da ded and had sixty nine phones in each finger..

'kool and gud. for no i will karate chop my way throo'

"I am thoroughly disgusted." noorshay frooned. "Everyone around us is an idiot."

li(ckmedaddy)thania nodded. "I've learned to live with it."

"Impressive." kneeway commented. on his youtub channil! geez, who comments in reel lif?>

then edgy-merica's body fell from the cieling and kripld nowahy so now doorgay's in da hopitale

'oh.' roomania said. 'sorry, i had to serve as the vampire in a fic for the 420th time.'

'on da cieelieang?' bootstria questiond like da sassy bitch dat he iz while seccing a piano

'yes, on da cieaeeliieang'

'i didnt know the ceilindsey was a white girl belonging to america. that name...' bugeeria shiddered in ferr(ari)

'ok roomina and i kild haf the toupees' hicc dick :D'd 'he succ a bit and i kicc dem'

'if only it was that easy to murder trumps toupee'

'ikr :DDDDD' heet yeet smild

den floorvet stamped the flur

'U TINK U CAN DEFEET MOI?'

'moi belongs to me so yes i can defeat it!1!1!!!1!111' funland then got a FUCKING LARGE TANK OUT OF NOWHERE AND FIRED IT DIRECTLY AT AT THE TOUPEES AND HIT THEM WITH IT EXACTLY SIXTY EIGHT TIMES UNTIL BRINGING HIS RIFLE OUT AND MAKING IT FOUR-HUNDRED-AND-TWENTY-SHOTS-IN-TOTAL. THREE SIXTY NO-SCOPE YA USELESS DOORKNOBS. PERKELE.

FREAKING FINLAND MAN AMIRIGHT

'i thoyt that wood tak longer to beet' monuki slipped her fake

'yeh ges nut' tomato bitch shrugged. he started to make pasta sauce out of the blood leakibg everywher

then sweden knocked the door down even though he was already in da room

'das me wif' 

'hoe hoe hoe' finland also murdered sweeden.

then with his blood-covered face and bloodshot eyes he toornd at da oosless gang

'ok lets get eyes-scream to celebreet!1!11!!!!1111 MOI MOI MOI MOI' inland sid.

'soonds nice.' portgal ofrds to pays

'k les go on a mahgical joorne!'

and so dey wint!

 

 

 

 

 

' _How many people have died for this fanfiction?_ " lithuina stood der and questind his santayee

 

and then 'jerky chin' came and fixed the world.


End file.
